Sad, almost depressed but with a daughter that makes everything better :)

There are days where I feel like killing myself. I get home from work everyday, hoping that my spouse doesn't chew my out for anything - for being late, for not washing my feet when I get in the door, for being slow. That kinda thing. Today was no different.

After work, I get in the car and I send my spouse a text: I'm leaving the office. Will probably reach home around 5:30pm.

I receive a reply: "So late, and it's raining." implying that I'll be even later.

I say: "but I was back at 5:20pm yesterday and you said I was early?"

And the reply goes: "no, you were back at 5:05pm."

And after another instant: "oh wait, it was 5:20pm. Lol. Maybe I was cooking and didn't notice the time"

Seems harmless right? But it happens every day. I feel like I'm being gaslighted. But I can't say for sure. How would I know if I'm just being too sensitive? So I put up with it for another day.

I reach home with our daughter in our arms and hand her over to my partner. As always, she talks to the baby and not me. I notice the sensory bin which she made for the kids in the kindergarten today, so I take it and put it on the floor for our daughter to play with. Our daughter absolutely loves it! Laughing and smiling while dragging her fingers through corn kernels. Some of it spills over as she does so, and I receive a glare.

"You're cleaning this up later."

It was a beautiful shared experience. And I would have cleaned up without anything being said. But I put up with it, because saying anything always makes things worse. I keep silent. At this point I start developing a headache.

We go to a Cafe downstairs for dinner and my partner says to me "Have you washed her hands?"

I say "No." and that means "Go do it."

So I go do it, and take a walk after because I'm feeling rather bad after this. It was a long day at work, and I'm not being given a break.

The moment I get back I'm greeted with the lovely words "So slow. Where were you?"

I keep quiet and keep my head down during dinner. The headache isn't helping.

I can't help but wonder if it's because her sister is over. She always seems extra mean and brash to me when any of her family is over. But I'm used to it. I lay low. I quickly finish my food and I take care of the baby because that's the only way to keep any other snide remarks at bay.

We finish our dinner and she wants to get something from the convenience store with her sister and asks if I want to come along. I have nothing to buy and I'm tired, so I say no. And she gives me a confused, slightly accusing look and says "What's the matter?" I say "I'm tired." and she says "Alright, then can you give me the access card??" with slight bewilderment. Fortunately I foresaw this and brought two down. So I hand her one.

I head back up, and start my daughter's bedtime routine. The same thing I do every night to put my daughter to bed. About 25 minutes of screen time, a bath, and a bottle of milk. She behaves during her screen time, so I go for a shower with the door open. Halfway through they come back, and I quickly shut the door.

After I'm done showering, I bring my daughter in for her shower and lock the door. Normally there's no knocking. I'm left to my devices because it's my job to take care of her after I'm back. Today was different for some reason.

Knock 1: "Let me know when you're done ok? I'll take her from there."

I reply, "I'm fine. Just bring me her towel"

"I've already brought it. Give her to me when you're done." she says.

Thanks for listening.

Knock 2: "Are you done???" impatiently.

Me: "No, not yet." in my calmest voice possible.

Knock 3: "She hasn't slept in 7 hours. Hurry up."

So I hurry. I was tired. I didn't realize.

Brought her out, my wife gives me one look and ignores me.

Me: "Dear, didn't you ask me to let you know when I'm done so you could take her?"

She eventually drags herself over.

We give baby her milk, and she falls asleep before finishing because she's tired, and my wife says to me "See, I told you to hurry up."

Me: "If you have a reason for me to be quicker than usual, then let me know in the first place."

"You should have checked."

I should have checked. Yes, it's always me. I always have to be perfect. Could I have checked? Yes. Did I? No. But was I tired? Yes. Was it an abnormal situation? Yes.

So I say "I'm tired, and all I've got since coming back is you nagging me."

"What nagging? What did I say? Tell me."

Me: "Forget it."

So here I am now, in the dog house typing this. I'm here quite a bit. And it feels like shit. But somehow, my daughter's smile makes it all worth it.

I feel like I work 2 full-time jobs, and take care of one infant and one rebellious kid. But somehow it's worth it. It's not all bad, there are good days. But it's not what I dreamed it would be like. But sometimes, you take the hand that life deals you because that's what responsibility is.

Baby Adrienne, I put up with all this because you're worth it, and I love you.